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Hello, my name is Wayne LaPierre and I am the face of the NRA.

This country is increasingly out of control, and I’ve come to realize that the only people that understand what is going on, and the only people qualified to make the decisions are middle-aged white men with a fair amount of money. And we’re angry as hell.

America needs to get at least 10% more American and that’s just a short-term goal. If you’re anything like me, you realized around January 2009 (not sure what happened then) that something is very wrong with this country.

We’ve lost the heart of the Constitution…which is guns. There’s some other stuff in there, but its kind of blah, blah, blah, guns, blah, blah, well-organized militia, blah, blah. Your right to have a gun is guaranteed by this document. I will give a baby a gun. This is not hyperbole. I will give. A baby. A gun.


We can’t rely on the news media to report accurate facts about guns. They keep producing a correlation between the lowered price on semi-automatic weapons and the sudden increase is mass shootings. They have charts. Charts.

medium mass shootings

Oh the charts!


My Crime Strike show is not enough anymore. We need a network that shows people that the real victim in gun crimes is the actual gun. So I’d like to introduce the NRA News Network, or the ‘nuh.’

We’re going to announce a lot of programming soon. We had a show with Sarah Palin slated, but she found the workload overwhelming a quarter of the way through and couldn’t complete the season. She won’t give the money back though. We’ve got Michelle Malkin’s beauty show on how to be presentable every day, even when you clearly hate yourself. We are going to stock this channel with more aging blondes then Fox News ever dreamed possible. We’re going to be like a Mid-West version of Univision. We’ve got Ted Nugent saying all kinds of crazy stuff, because God knows his music hasn’t been relevant in 40 years.

Its going to be a blast. I hope you enjoy.