Why do the prettiest places have the lousiest people?

Why do the prettiest places have the lousiest people?

I asked around about the next state to be nominated and Utah was the easiest choice because no one could figure out what the state of Utah has ever done for anybody else. I could propose trading Utah for a pack of gum and people would say yes.

Like most sparsely represented states, Utah can’t figure out why they don’t have greater representation in the government even though the entire state has roughly the population of Chicago. Also, the population is 80% white (down from 91%! in 1990) and 63% Mormon. People tend to rag on Mormons for their peculiar beliefs, but I don’t think that’s fair. Honestly, whenever there is a homogenous population, the same sorts of problems crop up. Utah seems to have problems with gays, blacks (less than 1% of the population!) and outsiders in general. But I’m more concerned about the booze.

Also, they are country people, but they hate alcohol. In Utah, you can’t just go to a bar, you have to purchase a membership to the place you are drinking at, to indicate that it is a private club. That is supposed to be based on having a pre-existing relationship with someone that drinks at that club because apparently Utah has never heard of tourists. The maximum amount of alcohol you can have in each drink is limited to a couple of ounces, but each drink can only have one ounce at a time, so you have to order your booze with sidecars or pay for a double. Also you can’t have more than one glass of liquor in front of you at a time. Also because they measure beer differently, their beer is weaker than any other place in the country.

And the ban is working well.

And the ban is working well.

Looking at a list of famous people from Utah is even more depressing. There’s a handful of good names here, James Woods, Steve Young, Harvey Fletcher, Jewel, Jim Nantz, Sam Walton, Philo Farnsworth, Don Bluth and Haloti Ngata. But the majority of ‘famous’ people born in Utah are famous for stuff they did in Utah, which means they aren’t actually famous. Even worse, there’s more people that have come out of Utah that have jacked stuff up for everyone else. Check it out. Roseanne Barr, NBA bust Shawn Bradley, serial killer Ted Bundy, wingnut author Orson Scott Card, the Osmonds, the Green River Killer Gary Ridgeway, Orrin Hatch and…

Karl Rove.


Utah also is the state where crackpot ideas are introduced to the Senate through Orrin Hatch. Hatch wanted to crack down on illegal immigration. He also wanted a bill to allow a foreigner to become President of the United States which would have allowed Arnold Schwarznegger to become President. Schwarznegger was an illegal immigrant. Hatch proposed a bill where copyright owners could destroy equipment and information of those found violating copyright law – completely unaware that his official website was using unlicensed software.


Also Utah has the Jazz, the basketball team they inherited from New Orleans and never renamed because they apparently like looking stupid. After Stockton and Malone retired, the Jazz were content to be an average team, drafting one useless center after another and getting swept in the first round every other year. What’s the point of being a franchise if you don’t even try to win the title?


Proposed Trade:

Get this, Utah is roughly the size of the United Kingdom. That means you could get Britain, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales in exchange for a desert with a bunch of Mormons clumped up in one spot. This is a no brainer.

Better women (seriously, name me one hot woman born in Utah, famous or otherwise. I’ll wait) better booze (just the Scotch alone makes the whole thing worth it), a rich history that goes back to the Romans, a compendious list of contributions to art and science, our closest military ally (and as a package deal, we get the SAS, the best troops on the planet) and landscapes that make you want to quit your job and become a taciturn shephard.

Hadrian's Wall

Hadrian’s Wall