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September 17, 1787 – Final draft of the Constitution is signed and convention adjourns. The Second Amendment is drafted, mostly because there’s not much of an army at this point, and its handy to have an armed militia to fight the British.  Despite only having black powder weapons, they clearly anticipated all the nuances of semi-automatic rifles hundreds of years in advance.

November 9, 1938 – Kristallnacht occurs in Germany. Jews are persecuted in their neighborhoods, leading to shocking violence and harassment. If they had guns, obviously none of this would have ever happened, as a ragtag group of civilians would have repelled a professional and well-armed military force that eventually nearly conquered Europe.

(Oddly enough, the ‘Night of Broken Glass’ occurred after a frustrated young man shot a German official with a revolver out of sheer frustration over the mistreatment of his parents. As it turned out, the official disliked the Nazis, was being watched by the Gestapo and was replaced by someone far worse. This a rare occaision where guns didn’t make things better.)

1963 – The AR-15, which was built for the armed forces, is marketed as a semi-automatic for civilians. It is not desirable for home defense, because the barrel can be easily grabbed. It is cheap and highly customizable.

May 1967 – Two dozen armed Black Panther Party members walk into a California Statehouse in protest of a gun-control bill. Governor Ronald Reagan comments, “There’s no reason why on the street today a citizen should be carrying loaded weapons.”

Subsequently the NRA backs the The Gun Control Act of 1968, as they had not realized that black people would want guns as well.

September 13, 1994 – The vile Assault Rifle Ban expires. The ban obviously didn’t keep all assault rifles out of private hands so it was an abject failure, much like how pesticide doesn’t kill every roach immediately, so why bother spraying it at all? The ban did raise prices on lethal weapons with little civilian application, which is apparently a deterrent.

December 2001 – Hamid Karzai elected as President of Afghanistan. He helps create a gun utopia, where private citizens are free to own weapons and carry them openly on their person. Oddly Afghanistan is considered the world’s most dangerous country. There is obviously no correlation between the two. Examples like this are left out of discussions on gun rights.

We are safe because we have many guns! That's how it works, right?

We are safe because we have many guns! That’s how it works, right?

January 20, 2009 – Barack Hussein Obama is elected President. In Eygpt, the Nile River turns into blood. Snakes abruptly return to Ireland. Australia is wracked by tidal waves.

Hussein was raised in Kenya in a thatch hut. Half of his family were surly Muslims who performed abortions in exchange for dark magical powers, the other half were self-hating white people. He met a violent radical named Michelle and concocted a plan with a terrorist college professor and an insane pastor to steal an election by duping welfare recipients and illegal aliens.


His plan was to undermine gun rights for Americans by refusing to address those issues in the first four years of his administration.

February 26, 2012 – Trayvon Martin is gunned down by neighborhood bully, George Zimmerman. Zimmerman was a volunteer neighborhood watchman who called the police nearly 60 times in 2011 to indicate suspicious characters, but he didn’t confront them until he found an unarmed teenage boy running home in the rain. If the NRA had their way, Martin would have been armed as well.

For some reason, Zimmerman never stopped people who looked like this.

For some reason, Zimmerman never stopped people who looked like this.

July 20, 2012 – James Holmes opens fire in an Aurora, Colorado movie theater killing twelve and injuring dozens. Had they had guns this tragedy would never have happened. It would have just been hundreds of armed citizens shooting wildly in the dark and confusion, with no clear line of sight in a target rich environment.

December 14, 2012 – Adam Lanza shoots twenty children in Sandy Hook elementary school. Obviously, his Bushmaster rifle had nothing to do with his ability to kill multiple people with ease, as they could have been killed just as easily with a sharp stick. Simultaneously, an insane man in China (a country with near uniform martial arts training) attacked small school children with a knife, injuring 23. There were no fatalities.