It’s finally time. I edited some of these stories for both clarity and language, but in their own words, I present to you some of the dating stories I’ve collected, with additional snark from me.

Our first contestant:

“My auntie and uncle invited me over for dinner at their house to join them for company. I hadn’t seen them in a while and I missed them, so I said yes. Then my roommate and I left about a half hour later.

A half mile from the house where we were going to meet, we ran over a young doe. It was *horrible*.

I almost cancelled my plans to meet for dinner and company for the next evening, but I really missed my family, so I went ahead to their place. Usually, their house is the BBQ house, and there are people all over the place. If I was feeling out of sorts still, I could become invisible, the way I do in crowds.

On arriving, I discovered there was only one other person besides them. I intuited a setup. Ambushed by a deer, then ambushed by my own kin. Brilliant!

So, we all had dinner, painfully around the table. Auntie delivering meaningful glances at me, uncle intermittently doing the same while delivering hawk-eyed glances at the brother, telepathing, “this is my niece, behave, or I’ll go fisticuffs on you.”

I apologized for not being nearly as animated as usual, still not myself after the accident the night before, at which point he began to gleefully regale everyone at the table with a story about multiple deer being exploded on 95 by a tractor-trailer.

It was awesome! Wait... you don't look so good-

It was awesome! Wait… you don’t look so good-

And all I could think is, ‘if I volunteer to go out with this man on my own steam, will he tank like this on every date?’

Then we inexplicably played Scrabble.”

It is a game for lovers. Seriously, I can’t think of anything less romantic than roadkill and Scrabble.

Our next lovely lady.

A man brought his 8 month old to the movies without asking me (on a first date) and expected me to hold her the whole time!! I never called him again!

The official Tom and Tom symbol for disapproval.

The official Tom and Tom symbol for disapproval.

Another unsatisfied customer:

My favorite is the one who made me order a beer I didn’t want (he was a beer snob) and then conveniently “left” his wallet at home. I had to pay for his beer and the one I barely drank. At the end, he had the nerve to ask me for a goodbye kiss. There was no second date.”

As I have said many times, you cannot be a broke snob. It’s like being a homeless philanthropist. Also a common theme in these dates is guys leaving their wallet.

This young lady had a few entries. She sleeps with a gun under her pillow now.

“Blind date- showed up, the guy was much less attractive than the pictures. First comment was him saying he was so glad I was hot. He was rude to wait staff and started dinner conversation by asking questions about politics followed by questions about religion. He then countered every thing I said by telling me either that I was a sheep with no opinion or that I was terribly misguided for having such a stupid baseless opinion. He pretty much put me down for about 35 minutes until I got up and walked out.

He then proceeded to call me to tell me how immature my humiliating behavior was and that I was fat. Once I quit answering the phone, he filled up my voicemail with insulting messages. I had to sign out of instant messenger when I got him because he was blowing that up as well. He eventually left me alone but wow.

How about the time I was set up by a friend who thought we would be perfect together because we were both short (she didn’t previously tell me this). I show up, the guy is like 5’4″. My dating cut off is 5’9″ and even that’s a stretch. But I was there, he was a friend of a friend, I had to go through with it.

He was rude to the staff- I feel like I’ve had several dates where the guy was rude. Then, although he tells me how pretty I am, he makes it clear that we are there for drinks and not dinner. Ok, so that’s fine because I want to get out of there anyway. But I don’t want to be rude so I’m trying to stay a respectable amount of time. I go to order a second beer and he asks me if I really need it because he only brought $10. Are you serious? Dude, you’re approaching 30 years old.

He spends the rest of our short time together wiping his drippy nose with a wadded up Kleenex he’s produced from his pocket like an old man. Then he gets the check and asks if he can come over and hang out at my house until the next train comes in- he says about two hours.

I text a friend to call me with an emergency and pull the oldest trick in the book, panic because I need to go pull my kids and dog and grandmother from a well or a burning building or something. The train station happens to be on the way of course so I dropped him off. Then I called a hotter guy and met up for a booty call. What a nightmare.”

Next up:

The one who asked me the last time I got [redacted] at the table. Said he had a car then the day of the date his car was in another state and that he had left his debit card in his moms car.

Or the guy who was petting me like a cat.”

By the far the worst of the first batch and the one story that crosses the line into nightmare fuel comes from Puerto Rico:

Yes I do. It was a Saturday night me & my Girlfriend were going out on a double date with these guys she knew I didn’t . She just told me that a friend of her boyfriend wanted to get to know me, so I said it was ok. They picked us up in a mini van which I thought was odd but went along anyway.

We were driving around town & talking didn’t really have a specific place to go. Then I noticed we were going out into the country side of Puerto Rico with dark roads, so I started to get nervous. We went to this mountain top & finally stopped.

We were drinking too but I wasn’t drunk or anything I was alert! On the other hand they were tipsy, so my friend was like dude what r we doing here? He was like, “what u don’t like the view? You can see the whole town up here.”

My girlfriend’s boyfriend was like, “We came up here to kill you” & took a gun out. I was terrified!!! I started screaming. My girlfriend was like “What the hell r u talking about r u crazy??!!”

He started laughing & his friend too. He was like, “What would you do all the way up here with nobody around?” Then he was like, “Its only a joke.”

I had had enough and told them that I wanted to go home so we left & the whole way back the were arguing I was scared because he had a gun & the police could had pulled us over or he could’ve gotten angry at her & shot her I mean a million thoughts went though my mind, then I finally got home & I never saw those boys again. it was horrible!!

Me after that story.

Going into this I thought I had an idea of what I was going to hear. Going over some of these stories, I realize that experiences like this explain at lot of what I see.

More Trading Wars Stories soon!