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Apparently, according to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end pretty soon. Now normally, I over-analyze things, and give you lengthy cerebral articles. Not today.

The Mayan calender doesn’t line up with ours, and neither do their beliefs. They don’t believe in the end of the world like we do, and this might not even be the right year. The Mayans don’t seem to be doing anything special right now, which leads me to believe they don’t think the world is ending. I think they would break their normal routines for that. They also had a corn-based religion, which people keep forgetting to mention because its preposterous. (I would at least discuss a sweet potato based religion.) But let’s put all that aside.

I only take advice from people that are doing well. Its that simple.

I’m not listening to the Mayans, or pretty much any ancient civilization. If the Mayans were so smart, they would have slaughtered the Spanish as soon as the first conquistador set foot on land. This is sort of a big thing for prophets to miss.

Whenever someone quotes Nietzsche, I remind them that he completely collapsed at 44, and spent the rest of his life in the care of his family. I don’t want relationship advice from Oprah, she doesn’t have a relationship. I don’t want to hear about an ancient culture’s health secrets unless they have a life expectancy longer than an Americans, and have better infant mortality. Oh there’s a magic seed in the Amazon that cures cancer? Great. They also make alcohol out of their own saliva. I don’t care.

Yeah. Your philosophy is awesome. Now its time to change your diapers.

Yeah. Your philosophy is awesome. Now its time to change your diapers.

I don’t want advice from a culture that got their butt kicked. You know who I would take advice from? Israel. They are surrounded by their enemies, horribly outnumbered, and every other month, we have to beg them to not just kill everyone else… because they could do it. Their ethnic stereotype is being good with money, a reputation carried through thousands of years. That’s who I would take advice from.

I would take advice from Merv Griffin. He died a billionaire. He did it with game shows and savvy real estate investments, as opposed to the traditional American way of becoming a billionaire, which involves having people murdered, making unholy alliances with the Mafia and getting really weird when you get old.


He spent his last years filthy rich, making wine, and drinking quite a bit of it as well.





We’re done here. If the Israelis tell me the world is ending, I’m frying ten pounds of bacon and eating it before my wife and I kill ourselves. The Mayans? Please.