Jim: Hello, and welcome to our New York Studios. We’re going to send you over to Arizona where our Triathlon is being run. May I add Caroline, that you look a little… different than usual.
Alexandra: Thanks Caroline. Scottsdale Arizona is undeniably beautiful, a desert paradise populated with impressive homes, some seemingly carved out of cliffsides. Its also populated with imbalanced retirees, gun nuts and a sheriff that seems to be denying his own latent homosexuality.
Its here that we’ll be having our triathlon. Unlike the athletics events that I participate in, this contest is uniquely tailored to things that plus sized people have difficulty with. In the initial part of the event, contestants will carry dirty laundry from their rooms upstairs, down three flights of stairs, and then back up once it is clean. After that, they will have to cut grass using a push mower, and then finally… they will have to properly fry a turkey.
These are all three things that large people have trouble with, I know I have a three hundred pound friend that refuses to wash clothes and simply buys new ones from Walmart. I’m joined here by football legend, John Madden who is only here to participate in the turkey portion of the event.
John: You stick to what you know, Alexandra. And I know vittles.
Alexandra: There’s a lot of x-factors here, body weight, stamina, the ambient temperature of the building, and that’s going to really test the athletes involved. Right now we have seven men warming up. Originally, we had ten competitors, but three got arrested because they were brown and this is Arizona.
I’m calling this event with the inventor of the Obesity Triathlon, Ivanna Beres. Ivanna, you selected these tasks from watching your husband, who is quite large, I understand?
Ivanna: Thank you Alexandra. My husband was the inspiration for this event, I remember seeing him struggle with laundry quite often in our old apartment. Also his turkey was always dry.
Alexandra: Well, Ivanna do you think he would win this event?
Ivanna: I do not know. He had a heart attack cutting the grass in the second part of the contest, and died immediately.
Alexandra: An ominous sign. The men’s team is taking the field.
Alexandra: My… those uniforms are unfortunate. We really need Nike or someone to step in here at some point.
Ivanna: Do not be absurd, small woman. These uniforms were designed by one of top designers in the former Soviet Union.
Alexandra: I stand by my earlier statement. I think they’re ready to go. I think we’re ready for the start.
Ivanna: They will need to get off on the pistol, but I don’t think a great start is but so important in a contest like this.
Alexandra: There will be no pistol, actually. We’re using a dinner bell.