, , ,


Hello, and welcome to the ceremonies for the 2013 Obesity Olympics. The Obesity Olympics are international games that reflect conditions in many countries – conditions that have many people being classified as obese. This sweeping epidemic of weight gain has changed many cultures, and now it’s changing sports. The Obesity Olympics have events that reflect a new sports aesthetic.

The hosting city this year is Biloxi, Mississippi. Mississippi is the fattest state in America, and they beat out other cities in competition to host this year.

Mostly by sitting on them.

2008 NewNowNext Awards

Hello, I’m Caroline Rhea, original host of The Biggest Loser, and I’m here in New York at Obesity Olympic Media Headquarters with football legend Jim Brown. Jim, it’s a pleasure to be here with you, you are genuinely the greatest player to ever step on the field.

Jim: Caroline, thank you, and I appreciate being paired with a full-figured white woman. God Bless America.

Caroline: Thank you, Jim. What do you expect for the inaugural Obesity Olympic games?

Jim: Caroline, this is the real deal. Someone might die out there today.

Caroline: We’ll keep an eye out for that. Let’s turn it over to our hosts on site in Olympic headquarters! Starting us off is Sara Rue, generally famous for being overweight, but cute, and then she lost weight.

Now I look like everybody else! Yay!

Now I look like everybody else! Yay!

Joining her is former heartthrob, Val Kilmer, who used to be cute, but then gained a lot of weight. See what we did there? Let’s send it over to them.

Jesus... this phone is so heavy - and not edible.

Jesus… this phone is so heavy… and not edible.

Sara: Thanks so much guys. Thank you for having me, and it’s going to be a pleasure watching and calling these games. We had a chance to explore lovely Biloxi, Mississippi, and take it from me, if you stand still on a corner long enough around here, someone will try to deep fry you.

We’re going to start with the lighting of the inaugural Obesity Olympics flame, and then I believe we’re going to use it to barbeque some pork.

Mound Bayou, Mississippi roadside BBQ. Smokers developed over time from oil drums

I don’t know if that’s going to be okay with some of the Muslim countries. Well this is our first one, so we’ll get the hang of it eventually. Ah, here’s Val. I was getting worried.

Val: I’m (puff) sorry to be late. I didn’t know (puff, puff) there would stairs. That was not (puff) part of the deal.

Sara: We have a variety of events for you over the next few days. We hope you enjoy them. The competitors probably won’t.

Val: I think I can feel my pulse in my eye. That’s not good, is it?

Sara: Let’s kick it back to you in the studio while Val gets himself together. Val, you can’t sit on that!

Val: You don’t tell me what to do! I’m Batman!