Wow. Looks like Jackie left me something. Oh, she recorded a video. You know she’s really good at that. I sure am lucky to be marrying such a pretty, talented girl. Let me play it.
Oh my God. What am I going to do? Got to stay calm. I don’t want to be all Jerry Seinfeld about this, and break up for some trifling reason. She loves me, and she put a lot of work into this video. I should appreciate it. She puts up with my comics, she rides bikes-
Who am I kidding. I am freaked out. This is the worst song ever. Ever. It makes the Baha Men sound like Phillip Glass. This video is impeccably shot, she changed clothes like thirty times. This is not a normal mind, this is like one of those Stanley Kubrick OCD type minds and I’m going to be living with that. Three years from now will she wake me up in the middle of the night standing over my bed in a fifties cocktail dress holding a butcher knife and talking about the Old Ones need a sacrifice to continue their sleep? Because that’s how this video makes me feel.
But what do I do? In the history of Western culture, no one has ever dumped their fiancee because their wedding video was unnerving. Elizabeth Taylor wouldn’t have broken up her marriage for that.
I paid for half of this stuff, and her family isn’t known for letting things go. Her dad is still mad that women got universal suffrage. Three years from now, will I be on Judge Judy still fighting with them about the custom stemware? Will she be outside of my apartment during a rainstorm, wearing her wedding dress and holding a butcher knife if I back out of this?
Why I can’t stop picturing her holding a knife in some sort of dress? And why did I get those Cutco knifes for her? Who needs a knife that stays sharp for ever? Gordon Ramsey and crazy, stabby women left at the altar, that’s who.
But she thought this video was a good idea. She thought it was tasteful. That means she has the decision making of Jake Plummer. What else could someone with taste this bad be doing? Is she sending her 401K money to a Nigerian prince she met over the Internet? Is her closet full of clothing from the 70’s that she’s going to start making me wear?
Even worse, she got her friends to do the video, and I know for a fact that her friend Cheryl said she’d rather do the Tour de France on a bike with no seat than be in another one of Jackie’s videos again. But she used her will to break everyone down around her. Even her housecat should have bit her, but it succumbed to feline ennui somewhere around the forty-fifth take. It’s like arguing with Dick Cheney. I can’t beat a woman like that.
Maybe I could run. Just leave everything. I could take the money in my savings account and go to Mexico. I could live in the mountains, have fresh coffee and wear linen everyday. My money would stretch there.
I can’t run. I’m on too many medications. If I quit my job in this market, I’ll never get another one, I’ll end up in the sewer unclogging drains, or I’ll be that guy that stands on the corner holding the sign to let you know the furniture warehouse is closing. I can’t be that guy.
I do need to wear more linen though.
Oh God, Jackie is going to be home any second and she’s going to want to know what I think about this. There’s no way she’s going to let it go, or wait. She’s going to come through that door like Robert Patrick in Terminator 2, and she’s going to want to know what I think, and if I’m not Richard Simmons effusive, she’s going to give me the silent treatment like only a WASP can.
I have to write that linen thing down.